A Three Button Problem
by EvilPieIsGood
Summary: Inspired by a picture. Sherlock is a test subject. JiM is an AI. John-tm is a Weighted Companion John-tm . Takes place in test chamber 17, Portal 1


Inspired by this picture on tumblr: /post/10442913431/heli0centric-this-weighted-companion-john-will (It's of Sherlock in Chell's outfit, 'holding' John who is dressed like the companion cube)

First Sherlock story, first Portal story. Eeee

Enjoy!

* * *

It wasn't that Sherlock didn't want to do the test; it was that he didn't want to be forced or told to do it. He had already solved sixteen of them, and the one he was entering didn't seem to be any more difficult.

"Heeeello there, [test subject name]! are you ready for another exciting test?" The cheery voice of JiM, the AI, as Sherlock couldn't imagine a person sounding so fake and computer-y in real life, rang out over the intercom.

Sherlock glared at the camera, refusing to respond. He had only said one thing since the tests started, and after no reply, he had made up his mind to not say anything until he was out of the odd place. Childish, yes, but when one wakes up in a glass cube with missing memories, and your only question goes unanswered, than one feels that such childish actions are justified.

"Now," JiM continued, unfazed, "We're adding in a new component to this chamber. Now, if you'd just step on that button there and wait, I'll introduce you to the Aperture Science Weighted Companion John™!"

Sherlock raised an eyebrow, and mentality asked if the Weighted Companion John™ was different from the regular weighted cubes, which had names, like Anderson and Donovan, carved into them.

He carefully made his way to the button, keeping an eye on the dispenser, and stepped on the button. With a clang, a shortish man with blond hair and wearing a white and grey jumper with a pink heart embossed in the middle fell from the Vital Apparatus Vent onto the floor.

Sherlock stared at the man, who was mouthing cuss words and holding his head, as JiM started speaking again.

"This is the Aperture Science Enrichment Weighted Companion John™! The Weighted Companion John™ is protected by a thin force field, which will block out laser beams, plasma balls, and will prevent the Weighted Companion John™ from dying if dropped from a great height. The Weighted Companion John™ can be used to depress buttons, block laser beams, and assist the test subject in many other ways. The Weighted Companion John™ will be your companion for the rest of the tests, so keep good care of it. Happy testing!"

Sherlock looked at the other man, who looked nervous and battered, and walked over to him. The other man, John™, opened his mouth, as if to speak, when JiM began to talk again.

"Before I forget, here are some symptoms that are most commonly found when participating in Enrichment Center testing and while handling Enrichment Center products, such as the Weighted Companion John™: superstition, perceiving inanimate objects as alive, and hallucinations. The Enrichment Center would like to tell you that the Weighted Companion John™ will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak." The voice faded out with a static buzz, and John™ turned to Sherlock.

"Uh…I don't know where that bloke got his intel, but I am fairly certain I can, in fact, speak." He held his hand out to shake, and Sherlock began to mentally compile information.

'Doctor,' Sherlock listed off in his head, 'shaky on his legs; in that tube for some time; legs asleep? No, only the one seems to be bothering him, steady, good grip, appears to be favouring his one shoulder, tan lines; Soldier? Shot in battle, but then why is he here?' Sherlock tuned back in as John™ asked his name.

Sherlock shook his head, and using his free hand made a zipped-lips motion, which made John™ smile.

"Right, so then if you're not talking then I'm guessing you have no clue where we are either?" Sherlock shook his head, and John™ sighed. "Right, so, what now? I help you do this test or something?"

Sherlock rolled his eyes, and walked around the corner and into the first problem. Sherlock, being rather twiggy, didn't have much in upper body strength, and it was already almost a chore to run around with the portal device, and the ledges posed a problem. Usually he would have stood on top a cube, but there wasn't a single one around.

He stood there, glaring at the issue, debating removing the portal gun from his one arm and trying to flail his way onto the ledge, when John™ spoke up.

"Do you…need help?" Sherlock turned his glare to the other man, who raised his hands in mock defense. "Well, I was wondering because you've been standing there for five minutes, mate. I don't think the ledge is going to get much lower with time." John™ stuck his tongue out a little, before hauling himself up on top. "Here."

Sherlock glared at the hand John™ was offering, before grasping it and allowing himself to be pulled up. John™ did this once more, and as Sherlock re-adjusted his purple jump-suit, John turned directly into the path of a plasma ball.

"Bloody fuckin hell!" John™ shouted, falling back against the wall. "Jesus Christ, what the hell?"

Sherlock motioned for John™ to move away from the wall, and they stood there for several minutes, Sherlock trying to find a safe way to move past the bouncing plasma ball, and John™ rubbing his chest where the ball had hit, muttering to himself.

Finally, satisfied that he wasn't going to die from the injury, John turned to Sherlock. "Should we get moving then?"

Sherlock once again leveled a piercing glare at him, and with a vaguely rude gesture, turned away to glare at the wall.

"…Wow, mate, and you've been through sixteen of these things before? Really?" John smiled again, watched the plasma ball bounce past again. "How did you survive?" he then dropped to his stomach, and crawled out into the walkway. "Follow me, if we crawl like this we should be low enough to not get hit."

As much as Sherlock wanted to not listen, he had to agree the other man had some good advice, and followed after him. As they made their way down the stairs at the end, JiM began to speak again.

"The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion John™ cannot speak. In the event that the Weighted Companion John™ does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice."

"Oh screw you, my advice is amazing!" John™ said to the camera mounted on the wall, as Sherlock looked at the other plasma ball generator, which was shooting the balls low enough that crawling wouldn't work.

Sherlock tapped John™ of the shoulder, the bad one by the way it dipped, and John™ turned away from the camera. "Yeah, what?"

Sherlock pointed at the plasma ball, which was bouncing between the two ends of the corridor at ankle level.

"Oh." John™ looked at it, and the pair watched at it dissolved finally, as it had bounced one to many times. After the generator produced another ball, John™ grabbed Sherlock by the arm, and ran up the stairs.

While Sherlock wouldn't say if he would be swearing if it didn't break his self-imposed rule, he defiantly would be having a strongly worded conversation with John™, perhaps in French, when he realized what the other was doing. He tried to jerk away, as the plasma ball headed back in their direction, but John™ tightened his grip.

"No! I mean, that computer guy said that these things can't kill me-" John™ let the plasma ball hit his leg, the good one Sherlock noted, and it flew back towards the wall. "-So I may as well be kinda useful and deflect them." He tugged on Sherlock's wrist, and deflected the ball again. John™ went down the stairs first, and the plasma ball dissolved against his shoulder.

John™ started swearing again as Sherlock pulled him away from the path of the next ball, and walked through the opening into the test chamber proper.

"Oh. Wow. So, where do we start?" Sherlock ignored the question, and jumped down into the lower area. "Oi! Wait for me!" He heard John™ jump down behind him, swearing again, but instead chose to enter the area with three buttons, straight ahead.

He looked at the room, and rested his portal equipped arm on the button on the raised platform, and watched as a door, obscuring where a plasma ball receptor was hiding. Already sure of what to do, Sherlock turned and grabbed John's™ arm this time, and dragged him to the platform. He pointed to the button, and John™ seemed to get the idea.

"Get on the button, gottcha." John™ lifted himself onto the button, and sat down. "Uh, I guess, just come get me when you need me? Or something?"

Sherlock nodded, and created a portal back to the upper level. First, before dealing with the two button problem, he would take care of the receptor on the angled wall. A portal on the ankle height plasma ball wall and a portal on the angle wall opposite of the receptor worked, and a platform rose up from the ground.

"What was that?" Sherlock heard John™ call, and ignored him, moving to back to the hall where the other plasma ball was. He shot a portal there, and sprinted back to the main chamber. The button John™ was on opened the one door, and Sherlock was certain that the other button opened the other door. He jumped down to the lower level again, and stood on the button. He turned around until he saw another wall to place the portal, and shot.

The plasma ball speed out of the portal, and Sherlock dropped to his stomach, letting the plasma ball enter the receptor.

He stood, and motioned to John™. "What? Oh, you want me off of this? Ok." John™ jumped down and followed Sherlock as he exited that section.

"Oh. A platform, what that what was making those noises?" John™ asked, but Sherlock breezed past him, entering the next offshoot room.

The walls were made of anti-portal material, and Sherlock scowled. There appeared to be no way to move the plasma ball to its receptor, and anyone else would have given up, unable to figure it out, but not Sherlock. He waved John™ over from where John™ was looking at the platforms, and pointed at the bouncing ball and the receptor.

It took a little time, but John™ got the hint, and grimaced. "I really hope there aren't any more of these bloody things around. This force-field keeps them from killing me but that doesn't stop them from leaving bruises." But, he did step into the path of the ball, allowing it to hit him several times as he tried to redirect it into the receptor. Finally it went in, and Sherlock backed out of the room to watch the last platform rise. This test chamber wasn't posing much of a challenge for him after all, and he was disappointed.

John™ walked up beside him, and looked at the platforms. "Right, so I gather we need to get up there, but how?" Sherlock answered by firing a portal above the first platform and a second portal directly underneath John™.

John™ barely had a chance to shout before he was up on the platform. Sherlock looked through, and seeing the John™ had moved out of the way, dropped through as well.

"What. The. Fuck." John™ was giving Sherlock the stink eye, and rubbing his leg. "Wait, so that thing…it shoots…what, wormholes or something?"

Sherlock rolled his eyes, and gestured to John's™ leg, which he was still rubbing.

"Huh? What about my leg? Or, oh, you want to know what's wrong with it?" Sherlock nodded, and John sighed.

"Ok, so, I was in the army, army doctor, actually, and I saw some action. Got shot in the shoulder and was sent home." Sherlock raised an eyebrow and John™ laughed. "I think they prefer it when their doctors can actually perform surgery without hand tremors in a war zone. Anyways, when I got back home, I started limping. My therapist said it was psychosomatic, but it sure didn't feel that way. Anyways, I'm not too sure how I ended up here, but when I woke up my leg was better. It's still hurts like a bitch though, 'specially after you drop me through the ceiling." John™ mock-glared at Sherlock before standing up. "Anyways, enough about me, why don't you tell me about yourself now?"

Sherlock made a rude gesture and jumped across to the next platform as John™ laughed. He turned, waving to the other man, and John™ smiled. "Yeah, yeah coming."

They jumped to the third platform, and then down to the next area. Sherlock gestured to the button, and John™ nodded, and stepped on it, looking for the exit door.

"Well…Is this it? Because I have to say, not that impressed with this test. I was under the impression there was going to be more death or, you know, a challenge, by the way that voice was going on and on when I first woke up." John™ then turned to face Sherlock, who was poking around in the next area. "Well, either that or you're just bloody brilliant. I guess I didn't see you do all of it…"

Sherlock rolled his eyes, moving closer to the button, when JiM began to talk again.

"Congratulations in completing the test, [Test Subject's name here], buuuuuut you know how I said you could continue the other tests with The Aperture Science Weighted Companion John™? Well, to put it simply, I lied!"

Sherlock looked at John™, who looked worriedly around him. "What's that mean then? Am I just going to hang around here forever or something?"

JiM continued his speech though, ignoring John™, "As any Aperture Science Enrichment Center property cannot be left out due to state and local statutory regulations, please lead your Aperture Weighted Companion John™ to the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator."

For a beat, the pair stood there, John™ gaping at the ceiling, and Sherlock looking at the button he was so close to pushing.

"Wait, run that by me again," John™ said, sounding nervous, "Did you just say, that in order for him to continue testing, I have to die?"

There was no reply, and John™ shifted on the button, nervously trying not to look at Sherlock, who had backed away from the button and was now investigating the door. Several minutes passed in silence, and then JiM spoke up again.

"While the Weighted Companion John™ certainly assisted you in this test chamber, it cannot come with you into the others. If the Weighted Companion John™ could talk, which it cannot, it would tell you that it would rather die in a fire, burning to death, than burden you any further."

"What? No, actually I would much rather be a burden than die in a fire. That is not a fun way to die, and I disagree with everything you just said." John looked a little scared now, and Sherlock could see him trying to figure out if Sherlock was really going to stuff him inside the incinerator.

Sherlock shook his head, and JiM spoke again.

"Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, 8 out of 10 Aperture Science engineers believe that the Weighted Companion John™ is most likely incapable of feeling much pain, and would die quickly once thrown into the Emergency Intelligence Incinerator."

John™ sat down on the button, and glared at the camera. "Actually, I do feel pain, and burning to death is not really that quick of a death. And it's fairly painful. So…no. I am going to stay here, on this button, and not be incinerated." He looked to Sherlock. "Sorry?"

Sherlock shook his head and sat beside John™, who to it as an invitation to begin talking. Eventually he ran out of funny med school stories and gory war ones, and they lapsed into a comfortable silence, only broken when John™ would sigh or fidget.

Sherlock would have guessed that about 3 or so hours had passed, judging from the way that JiM had cycled through his 'reassuring' phrases at least 100 times, when John™ moved from where he was laying on the ground. Sherlock ignored him, as he had done so several times before, and continued trying to devise a way out of the room.

He heard a series of beeps, and looked up just in time to see John™ peering into the Emergency Intelligence Incinerator. Sherlock jumped up and ran forwards and yanked him away from the mouth, which was releasing boiling steam and bits of ash. Heart pounding, he dragged John™ back towards the button, and found he couldn't pull any words from his throat, as much as he wanted to talk.

'Perhaps deciding not to speak was not the smartest idea, I can't seem to remember how to', Sherlock dimly though as he started gesturing, panicked, at John™.

"Hey, hey. Calm down. I know what I'm doing, ok?" John™ grabbed at Sherlock's free hand, stopping its movement. "Listen, there isn't any other way for you to get out of here if this doesn't happen, and I'd prefer burning to death over starvation. Trust me mate, that wouldn't be fun." John™ leveled a shaky smile at Sherlock, who narrowed his eyes and shook his head.

"What do you mean, no? Listen, I am going to get you out of here wither you like it or not. One of us has to get out, right?" John™ made to move around Sherlock, but was pulled back, Sherlock having knotted his fingers in the other man's jumper.

John™ sighed. "You're being ridiculous. I mean, I've been thinking, and it's not like I want to do this or anything, but what other way is there? I'd say talk to the bloody computer running the place, but it won't listen to me, and you can't seem to speak, not to mention it's probably just some pre-recorded message, so that's gone. We can't pry the next door open, we can't go back into the main chamber, and just sitting here isn't going to do anything. This is the only way, and if you keep trying to stop me I'm going to punch you in the face."

Sherlock narrowed his eyes, one hand tightly gripping John's™ sweater, and shook his head again, slowly and definite.

John™ then punched Sherlock square in the jaw. Sherlock, who hadn't actually expected John™ to punch him, fell back violently.

"Sorry, but this is the right thing. And who knows, maybe that force-field will help." John™ said, quickly checking Sherlock's jaw for a break, before running to the button. Sherlock sat up just as John™ pushed the button, and had barely managed to stand when John™ disappeared into the Emergency Intelligence Incinerator.

Sherlock slid back to the floor, eyes wide and watering, and he could hear JiM talking again, something about it was unusual that the Weighted Companion John™ had incinerated itself, that one had never done that before.

Sherlock, after sometime, pulled himself up and together, and ran through the opened door, because he knew he wouldn't be able to walk calmly past that area, couldn't believe that someone he barely knew, someone he'd been pushing around the entire test chamber, had died for him, to get him out of that bloody room.

He sank down again in the elevator, and spent the entire ride to test chamber eighteen running over the scenario again in his head, trying to see if there was ever a way to change the outcome. Entering test chamber eighteen, though, he had one steady goal in mind. JiM was the one testing; JiM was the one who had said there was no way to continue without John's™ death.

Sherlock was going to take down JiM, even if it killed him.

* * *

Sherlock couldn't believe it. JiM had let him go. JiM had let him go, the turrets hadn't tried to shoot him, and he was outside. Really outside with the sky and wind and birds.

Sherlock took two steps towards the field, when he heard the elevator again. He turned, dread deep in his stomach, as the door was flung open. The dread disappeared though, when another person was flung out onto the ground.

Sherlock could barely believe his eyes, and rushed over to where John™ was laying, bloody, bruised and burnt, but alive.

Maybe JiM hadn't deleted Mycroft after all.

* * *

I wrote this in 2-3 hours. My friend proof-read it, declared it amazing, and told me to post it everywhere. I hope you liked(?) it!


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